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Archive for the ‘Football’ Category

Lets Play Ball

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The NFL Playboy Association & the Owners Association announced a new collective bargaining deal today ending a six month long clusterfuck, which was threatening to restore Sundays and Mondays to American families. The agreement was 6000 pages long and neither side claimed full knowledge of it but seem to have signed it just because ABC was threatening to do Desperate Housewives re-run on Sundays. Speaking on the occasion, NFL commissioner Goger Roodell said “In order to repay the fans for their unflinching support and commitment to the game, all teams will observe “5 dollar Chalupa” day on opening day of theseason.On this day, fans will be able to enjoy a Chalupa for $8 and roar in support of their favorite team.” Bisele Gundchen, spokesperson for the NFL Playboy Association said ” Nothing excites me more than seeing athletic and muscular men in compromising positions. Sundays are back Baby!! “

Experts at Touchdown Fetish magazine have identified the following as the most important changes to the game.

  • Coaches who die during the Gatorade Bath will be not be eligible for workers compensation.
  • Rookies under the age of 21 or with a GPA over 3.6 will be automatically suspended for the season.
  • In order to help the NFL reduce its ecological footprint, the environmentally conscious Bay Area teams Raiders and Niners have pledged not to score during the entire season.
  • As a part of our “NFL cares” initiative, tailgating parties will be made strictly vegan.
  • It is now mandatory for players to sanitize their hands with Gem-X Aloe Hand Sanitizer  prior to every snap.
  • There is a 25% reduction in all fines and penalties if you like NFL on Facebook.
  • Non-white players appearing in a game in the State of Arizona are likely be shot in their belly buttons.
  • Quarterbacks will be required to wear helmets even when they are having sex and wear condoms even when they are playing.
  • Meaningless numbers on player jerseys will be replaced with last four digits of their Social and their Mother’s maiden name.
  • Every fantasy team will have at least one Victoria Secret Model.
  • Players are allowed only 3 F bombs per minute and anyone who violates the rule will be fucking punished.
  • Five touchdowns or two wardrobe malfunctions are guaranteed in every Super Bowl until 2018.
  • Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will accept that he is an asshole on national TV.
  • Players are allowed to tweet lewd photos only with NFL logo.
  • Players with fake birth certificates will be banned for life and trained to run for President of America.
  • Anyone carrying reports on Brett Favre will be waterboarded.

Tim Tombrowski, a die-hard Steelers fan  and season ticket holder exclaimed “I am indebted to the league and to the Steelers. To show gratitude, I will clean up the entire 20F section in Heinz Field with my terrible towel after every home game. Go Steelers!!”. Conservative voice Pat Buchanan touched on a very important and often neglected aspect of the game  “Everyone expects this to be a fun season but lets pause for a moment and pray for the safety, security and virginity of the cheerleaders in the game.”

​God Bless Football and God Bless America.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

September 23, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Posted in Alter Ego, Football

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save the world, fire this guy

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If there is one person who doesn’t deserve what he is taking home from his employer, then it has to be ESPN’s Ron Jaworski. He talks without a total lack of preparation or calls something his preparation and bullshits totally.

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Written by Sudarshan Suresh

November 30, 2007 at 7:05 pm

Posted in Football

deflating….

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I never knew what this word felt like until Thursday evening. USC just knocked the lights out of my ASU Sun Devils team and I felt like a car running on just air. I felt like puking. I felt like buring my face into the pillow and crying until the tears dried out. I just couldn’t believe what had just happend.

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Written by Sudarshan Suresh

November 26, 2007 at 10:04 pm

Posted in Alter Ego, Football

It was Gross Man!

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I am sure why the Bears lost the Super Bowl. Lovie Smith skipped his Sunday mass and decided to see some film to analyze the game. While Lovie was seeing film, Dungy was seeing the Faith. God brought the rain, instructed Satan to sleep with Rex in the afternoon and thus the Bowl was won.

I wasn’t sure what Mr. Rex was doing there? After he threw the first interception, Rex’s situation was most appropriate for Southwest Airlines “Wanna get away?” series of ads. I am sure that Rex will make an appearance again on Super Bowl Sunday next year but that time it will be during the breaks where he would have replaced K Fed in that commercial for Nationwide Insurance. Rex will be tossing a Chicago Pizza instead of the pigskin and the punchline “Life hits you fast” can run underneath.

While everyone in sports talk radio has been saying it wasn’t just Grossman, I think it was Grossman who engineered the defeat. He bobbled snaps, threw interceptions and pushed his team out of contention while his defense kept them in the game. If the defense put one foot forward, Grossman dragged the team back by a few feet.  He played badly and with such play, he is not fit to be a quaterback even at his alma mater – University of Florida.  Lovie, please don’t give this guy any love and make him fight for the starting job in the training camp.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

February 6, 2007 at 6:24 am

Posted in Football

the loop

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Since morning, the word that is on an endless loop in my mind is “jackedup”, thanks to Monday Night Football

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Written by Sudarshan Suresh

November 30, 2006 at 7:42 pm

Posted in Football

Dancing with Emitt

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I have not even watched this show once on ABC but I am happy that the alltime leading running back from NFL waltzed his way his to the trophy. I saw a few clips of Emitt doing his thing and was pleasantly surprised how well the man could move. We are talking about a guy who has rushed for over 18000 yards in the NFL and made 4409 rushing attempts in close to 15 years. Imagine this, Tikki Barber of the NY Giants has been playing for the last 10 years and has 14,000 yards under his belt wants to hang up his boots at the end of the year as he is tired of getting the hits. A couple of years after retirement, some players even find it difficult to bend down and pick up their kids. This is how difficult and tough this league could be on knees and body. Emitt’s achievement in winning the Dancing with the Stars makes it all the more special

Staying on the subject of NFL running backs, the notoriously famous OJ Simpson , who was tried and acquitted for murdering his wife and her friend, is coming out with a show detailing if he had killed his wife how he could have done it. It cannot get more bizarre than this. OJ just needs to shut his trap and not worry about these vieled confession attempts and more importantly, I am left to wonder why Fox would air up such stupid shows.

As a sidenote, OJ Simpson was acquitte by Judge Ito. The Rutgers University kicker who kicked the field goal in the dying minutes of last week’s victory over Louisville is Ito and he is nicknamed the Judge

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Written by Sudarshan Suresh

November 16, 2006 at 6:36 am

Posted in Football

why not

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When December third week rolls around, the bowl season starts and there would be a bowl game sponsored by almost every company from the under-garment makers to the airline makers. But I would like to see a bowl to identify the worst team in college football and it would be great if it could be named “toilet bowl”. Mediocrity needs to be identified, rewarded and publicized in order to avoid mediocrity. It like the the Razzies being the evil twin of the Oscars. College teams should recruit actively, pur money into their athletic programs so that they don’t end up contending for the toilet bowl. If you think this idea is totally bush league, I got it while I was using the portable toilet in the A’s stadium after a horrendous loss by Oakland in the American League Championship Series.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

October 11, 2006 at 6:19 am

Posted in Football

football is here

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First week of NFL. I made sure that I caught a few games. In my opinion, the biggest disappointment of this week was The Green Bay Packers. I expected them to win in Lambeau Field. Instead they got shut down and Brett Favre continued where he left off last season – 2 interceptions. Favre looks more like Kyle Boller and as much I hate to say it, it would be Aaron Rodgers time at Green Bay before the end of the season.

Yet another disappointment was the Raiders getting shut down. Brooks was sacked more times (7) than he threw passes for completions(6). Former ASU QB Walter was sacked a couple of times as well. Raiders offensive line needs to get their act together soon else art shell is going to have a painful return to football.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

September 12, 2006 at 7:33 pm

Posted in Football

one more day….

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the straight lines between me and the two TV’s were hanging a right angle on me. A large TV with the ASU game on it and a small one with Agassi hanging in the game by the thinnest of threads. This was one of the times where both the games ended as I wanted. ASU won but I think it was a lacklustre display. I was expecting atleast 50 point but we won 35-14.

The headlines belonged to Andre Agassi who beat a much younger and much higher ranked opponent in Marco Baghdatis. I used to hate Agassi early in his career because he defeated Boris Becker on the way to his first wimbledon title. Over the years, my admiration for the guy has gone up a few notches. To play at this level for this long is very very hard especially when you have to leave Steffi Graf home and come to play and practice :-). The man played a five setter again and wriggled out with a win. I will be rooting for him against Becker- this one is Benjamin and not Boris. Rooting against Boris – no way

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

September 1, 2006 at 3:04 pm

Posted in Football