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Lets Play Ball

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The NFL Playboy Association & the Owners Association announced a new collective bargaining deal today ending a six month long clusterfuck, which was threatening to restore Sundays and Mondays to American families. The agreement was 6000 pages long and neither side claimed full knowledge of it but seem to have signed it just because ABC was threatening to do Desperate Housewives re-run on Sundays. Speaking on the occasion, NFL commissioner Goger Roodell said “In order to repay the fans for their unflinching support and commitment to the game, all teams will observe “5 dollar Chalupa” day on opening day of theseason.On this day, fans will be able to enjoy a Chalupa for $8 and roar in support of their favorite team.” Bisele Gundchen, spokesperson for the NFL Playboy Association said ” Nothing excites me more than seeing athletic and muscular men in compromising positions. Sundays are back Baby!! “

Experts at Touchdown Fetish magazine have identified the following as the most important changes to the game.

  • Coaches who die during the Gatorade Bath will be not be eligible for workers compensation.
  • Rookies under the age of 21 or with a GPA over 3.6 will be automatically suspended for the season.
  • In order to help the NFL reduce its ecological footprint, the environmentally conscious Bay Area teams Raiders and Niners have pledged not to score during the entire season.
  • As a part of our “NFL cares” initiative, tailgating parties will be made strictly vegan.
  • It is now mandatory for players to sanitize their hands with Gem-X Aloe Hand Sanitizer  prior to every snap.
  • There is a 25% reduction in all fines and penalties if you like NFL on Facebook.
  • Non-white players appearing in a game in the State of Arizona are likely be shot in their belly buttons.
  • Quarterbacks will be required to wear helmets even when they are having sex and wear condoms even when they are playing.
  • Meaningless numbers on player jerseys will be replaced with last four digits of their Social and their Mother’s maiden name.
  • Every fantasy team will have at least one Victoria Secret Model.
  • Players are allowed only 3 F bombs per minute and anyone who violates the rule will be fucking punished.
  • Five touchdowns or two wardrobe malfunctions are guaranteed in every Super Bowl until 2018.
  • Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will accept that he is an asshole on national TV.
  • Players are allowed to tweet lewd photos only with NFL logo.
  • Players with fake birth certificates will be banned for life and trained to run for President of America.
  • Anyone carrying reports on Brett Favre will be waterboarded.

Tim Tombrowski, a die-hard Steelers fan  and season ticket holder exclaimed “I am indebted to the league and to the Steelers. To show gratitude, I will clean up the entire 20F section in Heinz Field with my terrible towel after every home game. Go Steelers!!”. Conservative voice Pat Buchanan touched on a very important and often neglected aspect of the game  “Everyone expects this to be a fun season but lets pause for a moment and pray for the safety, security and virginity of the cheerleaders in the game.”

​God Bless Football and God Bless America.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

September 23, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Posted in Alter Ego, Football

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Jobs Resigns : Reactions are pouring in

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Reactions have been pouring in since Jobs announced his retirement.

Michelle Bachmann: I learnt all alphabets and numbers using the iPad last month. Will my iPad still work?

Sarah Palin: This is false propaganda by Obama. We all know there are no jobs to resign from.

Rick Perry: Time for him to secede and start producing cooler gadgets for God.

Joe Biden: Jobs will fucking return. It is not the fucking end of fucking jobs in fucking America.

Barack Obama: Sasha and Malia love their iPads. On their behalf and on the behalf of the hardworking people of the United States of America, get well soon sir.

Jim Cramer: I live this ploy by Apple. Jobs resigns; Market goes on a frenzy for black turtlenecks. Turtlenecks outsell HP Touchpads. Doom HP, Booooyaaah!!

Bill Gates: Pancreatic Cancer, isn’t there an app for that?

Larry Ellison: Rest In Peace , my friend with the knowledge that I will buy your company and let it prosper.

Sergey Brin and Larry Page: F@#$%^&* , we should have waited before we spent the twelve billion on Motorola Mobility.

Stephen Colbert: Ladies and Gentleman, you know I am not a big fan of Steve Jobs. He wears his black turtleneck and shows up at many Gay Marriages as a bridesmaid. But he has a chance to redeem himself by introducing himself to iGod.

Tim Cook: I have been preparing for this for a long time. I even speak to Aaron Rodgers every day of the week to mentally prepare for this.

Dennis Kucinich: He is a iCon who pushed consumerism and materialism.

Forrest Gump: Lieutenant Dan got me invested in his fruit company. So then I got a call from him, saying we don’t have to worry about money no more. And I said, that’s good! One less thing.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

August 25, 2011 at 11:26 am

Posted in Alter Ego

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Nation readies itself for a “protestival” at Ramlila grounds

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The nation is rallying behind Anna Hazare as if Katrina Kaif and Sachin Tendulkar are his kids. At the same time, the Congress Party is falling as quickly as Hazare is rising. “With the knowledge gained by watching “Hindustani” multiple times, we are not stupid to take an ageing corruption crusader to the prison.  He was either taken to Mainsha Koirala’s house or in Urmila Matondkar’s friend’s hostel.” asserted Mr. Rashid Alvi, spokesman of the Congress absolving the Government of any brutality.

Meanwhile, hectic preparations are underway at Ramlila grounds for this contest between Team Anna and Government of India. Arvind Kejiriwal, captain of Team Anna,  has requested to make it a “slow low turner” so that Anna has to bat only once, Kiran Bedi spins it like Bishan Singh Bedi and the Government ignominiously “follows on” Anna and his demands.   “We don’t expect the contest to last more than 3 days but we asked for 10 so that we have enough time to bowl out any opposition. ”  confided Mr. Kejiriwal. Contrary to earlier reports that there will be no food for the crowds coming to watch Anna fast, Team Anna has said that non-governmental organizations have arranged a full fledged buffet at the venue. “Dasani has bagged the rights to be the official water of the fast and they will be selling bottled water with the Anna logo to mark the historic occasion.” said Mr. Kejiriwal.

“We are working round the clock to bottle water from the Delhi Public Water Supply. As a mark of solidarity, Delhi Water Board has shutdown water in certain neighborhoods of Delhi and given us exclusive usage for this water.  ” said a spokesman from Dasani.

In addition to food and water, BJP/RSS/VHP  are planning to celebrate “Krishna Jayanti” and “Ganesh Pooja” at Ramlila grounds.  “Anna can enthusiastically fast with the breeze wafting from the modak and sweet poha preparations.  It cannot get more energizing and portending. ” said Ms. Sushma Swaraj of the BJP.  Indian Union Muslim League is planning a giant Goat cook-off at the venue to celebrate Ramadan but its President could not be reached for a comment.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

August 18, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Mallika Sherawat to perform outside Tihar to promote Anna’s message of transparency.

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Public support is growing for Anna Hazare following his detention at  Tihar Jail today.  Several celebrities have expressed solidarity with the veteran Gandhian’s crusade against corruption. Sri Sri Ravishankar, the founder of  Art of Living, called on Mr. Hazare at the Tihar Prison late tonight but was turned back by Mr. Hazare as the meeting time intervened with his bedtime.  Not disappointed by the spurning, dangled from gate of jail complex, plunged into crowd, giving a quick preview to his next course Art of Flying.  Close on the heels of Mr. Ravishankar’s visit, Bollywood diva Mallika Sherawat and hunk Emraan Hashmi tweeted that they would descend on the  Tihar red carpet tomorrow and perform in sheer clothes to show their support for transparency. Not to be left out, Salman Khan tweeted that he would perform in private parties for any number of Members of Parliament if they voted for the Jan Lokpal bill.

The Government on the other hand has a massive problem on its hands. Quickly after arresting Anna and 1200 other detainees, Mr. Kapil Sibal proclaimed that most protesters courted arrest only because they liked the free food in the prisons. Mr. Ghulam Nabi Azad, another cabinet Minister who has long believed that television is cure to all problems in India, said the Government plans to counter the growing movement by telecasting free pornography on all Doordarshan television channels for the next 5 days.

The script took a different turn when Congress Supremo Rahul Gandhi intervened and asked that Mr. Hazare be released. Dr. ManMohan Singh obliged with a Shahrukh Khan impersonation saying “Yes, Boss!”.

Meanwhile, Mr. Hazare has refused to leave Tihar even after being released . “I had let people at home know that I will not be coming home for dinner and no food joints are open here at this late hour. Besides that, it is well past my bedtime” said Mr. Hazare reflecting on the sorry state of night life of Chanakyapuri area, near West Delhi.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

August 17, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Posted in Alter Ego

Dow Chemical bags exclusive sponsorship rights for London riots

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Just days after becoming the official chemical of the Olympic games, Dow Chemical Company, the manufacturer of many toxic chemicals, has bagged the exclusive naming rights for the ongoing London riots. The Midland, Michigan based company has also agreed to sponsor all events of rioting and looting across the world.  Terms of the sponsorship weren’t disclosed although independent agencies have estimated the cost to be about  a million human lives.

“We possess deadly track record with chemicals in all across the world especially in Bhopal and Vietnam. Our record in cleansing generations of underprivileged communities is unparalleled and we have yet another opportunity to free the world of miscreants and misfits. Dow is extremely happy to be adding value to our shareholders as London burns bright.” said a Dow spokesman, after Dow won the bid to be a official chemical company for all riots through 2020.

“All the things that go into making a successful riot, we can be a big part of that.  This is a tremendous growth market if you listended to the voice-mails of  Prime Minister Cameron Brown,  that were tapped by News Corporation and Dow is excited to make a large piece of the “riot-pie.” ” the spokesman said. “You can be guaranteed that nothing gets approved by the board of the Dow Chemical Company unless it generates shareholder value. ” added the spokesman.

Last week, Dow’s stocks tanked by 412.1984% after they announced their move to sponsor the Olympic games. ” The Olympics fosters brotherhood, friendship and love and these are not the values of Dow Chemical Company which stands for destruction and lack of accountability.” said Forbes magazine.

The  investment community has responded very positively to this new riot sponsoring initiative by Dow.  An anonymous source at investment firm Pippar Jaffray said “This indeed is a brilliant move by Dow.  It  is the “first of a kind” idea of making profits out of civil unrest and will pay off  handsomely in the long term. We are upgrading Dow to a strong “buy”  rating as we see a great growth potential for riots in the up and coming Middle Eastern, African and South American markets” . Dow stocks were up 1% in early trading.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

August 10, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Posted in Alter Ego

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Lok Pal Bill burns, Media fans, Singh stares.

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The Government of India tabled its controversial “Jan Lok Pal” in the Parliament yesterday, where Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh has perfected the art of sleeping with his eyes wide open.  The Bill was treated disdainfully by civil activist Mr. Anna Hazare, who set the bill on fire with a matchbox hidden inside his Nehuruvian cap. “The Government’s LokPal bill is like its Prime Minister – It doesn’t say or do much.”  clamored Mr. Hazare .

Parliamentarians have long used legislative documentation as hand fans and back-scratching wands so burning such an utility has angered many of them. “How can Hazare protest a bill that has the blessing of Sonia Gandhi and call himself a Gandhian?” questioned first time MP and former India captain Mohammed Azharuddin.  Prime Minister of India, Dr. Manmohan Singh also reacted strongly to Mr. Hazare’s actions by giving a prolonged and awkward stare at the reporter who asked him for a comment.

While Mr. Hazare has become a cult hero in the pyromaniacal yet crucial 5-30 young male demographic, he seems to be losing ground with the small business owners – especially the effigy makers.  “For years, protests have been marked by burning effigies. Hazare’s decision to burn a bill is not only lame but also shows his lack of knowledge about the history of protests. We strongly urge him to make amends and signify his discontentment by burning 100 effigies of  Mr.Kapil Sibal, which we have in our inventory.”

Anna Hazare has called for a nation-wide fast starting August 16th against the Government’s Jan LokPal Bill.  NDTV has successfully won the exclusive broadcast rights of the fast and will have a mobile ultrasound machine to periodically show pictures of Mr. Hazare’s stomach. “Considering this is the greatest standoff between Septuagenarians(Dr.Singh and Hazare),  the battle lines have been clearly drawn. Protests will be held only between 10:am to 4:00 pm with a three hour break for siesta. All Protesters are requested to keep their decibel level to the minimum and make their protest signs in bold and large font. Since the protest is a fast, free food will not be provided at the venue and attendees are expected to make their own arrangements for food.”  said Ms. Barkha Dutt of the NDTV.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

August 4, 2011 at 4:17 pm

India holds talks with Gilani; will trade Patna and 16 districts in the South for Hina Rabbani Khar

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India has fallen head over heels for Pakistani Foreign Minister Hina Rabanni Khar. Loudspeakers are blaring “My name is Hina, Rabbani ki Jawani” in every corner of the country. “Pak Puts On Its Best Face,” said The Times of India and the Mumbai Mirror exploded with the headline “Pak bomb lands in India,”.

India’s main opposition party Bharatiya Janata Party is going hammer and tongs over this latest development. “The Congress is led by an Italian lady and we have never seen her even carry a Just Cavalli. Now even Pakistanis are carrying Roberto Cavalli. The Congress regime has pushed India backwards by 20 years. We ask to the Prime Minister to resign immediately over this national shame. ” said Nitn Gadkari. Not to be “left” behind in expressing disapproval, Brinda Karat remarked “She hurried to the Hurriyat and this is something that we have been asking India to do for a long time. We ask the Prime Minister to resign immediately for being so tame.” Baba Ramdev who has been fasting in “Garbhasana”, has announced that he would get out of Garbhasana, if India is able to accommodate a young woman with flowing hair into the Cabinet so that he can discuss the “Jan Lok Baal” bill.

In an effort to counter some of the allegations and also quieten Ramadev, Manmohan Singh and senior Congress leaders have dispatched the “Pigeon of Congress” and also Finance Minister of the country, Mr.Pranab Mukherjee to Pakistan to discuss trading for Hina Rabbani Khar. In exchange, India will send the city of Patna and 16 districts in Tamil Nadu to Pakistan. Pranab Mukherjee has also carried a brand new Birkin made of lizard leather to win over Ms. Khar.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

July 27, 2011 at 3:38 pm

India blames poor performance at Lords on Michael Holding’s Commentary; orders his removal

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The stalling Indian Cricket Team has come into a head-on collision with Michael “Rolls Royce” Holding. The Indian Cricket Captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni blamed his team’s timid loss at Lords on the commentary of Michael Holding. Speaking to the media after the defeat “We were matched evenly with England on all aspects of the game (including tea time snacks) and the match came down to the state of the pitch. Mr. Holding’s pitch report was grossly incorrect on all five days.  He had predicted uneven bounce and we were batting for the uneven bounce but it never happened.  He said there will be no turn and hence Bhajji was firing it in flat instead of trying to turn the ball. In addition to this, Mr.Holding was on the air for the 16 of the 20 Indian wickets that fell during the test match. His probing stint of words with the new/old ball provided England with early wickets and critical breakthroughs to well-settled partnerships. We are going to appeal for his removal from this test series. ”

Mr.Sunil Gavaskar, former Indian opening batsman was also demanding Mr.Holding’s removal. ” Holding used to spit venom when he was young and bowling fast. I am sure with age, experience and the comfort of the commentary box have only made him more dangerous. If this series has to be balanced, Holding has to be removed from the Skysports team and replaced with an Indian commentator.  Our boys need someone who can not only speak English, but also speak English mixed with Hindi and Urudu. I think Jimmy Amarnath will be a tremendous addition.   ”

Mr. Ravi Shastri, unrequited lover of Gabriela Sabbatini and evergreen spokesperson for cricketers from Mumbai, was equally critical of Holding. ” Holding has always posed problems with his height and Afro-hairstyle. Tendulkar has had difficulty picking up the ball when Holding is in the commentary box as the ball out of the bowlers hand gets lost in Holding’s hairdo. In the second innings, the test was in a holding pattern with all possible outcomes possible until Holding intervened to manufacture the wicket of Dhoni.”

Mr.N.Srinivasan, Secretary of the BCCI said “Cricket is a Gentleman’s game and commentators with violent nicknames like “Whispering Death” should never be handed the mic. I am surprised that in a series between India and England, a West-Indian is doing the commentary. Such acts of neutrality has no place in the game of cricket. I will call Sharad Pawar and shout into his deaf ear that Holding needs to be removed.”

In the meanwhile, Marylebone Cricket Committee[ MCC] has announced that Mr. Holding will be honored for this rare contribution and his name will appear on the Lords Honors Board. It is to be noted that he is the first commentator to get this prestigious honor and this will enable him to enter the snobbish and privileged Lords Members room and get drinks on the house. He also receives designer underpants autographed by Sir WG Grace.

Reacting to these comments, Holding kept repeating “Yeahhh Maaan, Yeaahh Maan” in his Jamaican accent and we concluded that he was severely inebriated.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

July 26, 2011 at 9:17 am

Hilary Clinton visits Chennai; wears designer MA Jacob

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Hillary Clinton, the current US secretary of State and wife of the former President of America Bill Clinton visited Chennai yesterday. Ms.Clinton was spotted wearing clothes designed by chennai based designer Mr.MA Jacob. Asked about the bright and flamboyant colors of her dresses, MA Jacob said that the dresses celebrated the spirit of India and were made from leftover carpets from Meghalaya to Mannarkudi.

United States Consulate General in Chennai said that as a tribute to Ms.Clinton’s poker faced emotionless approach, school kids from different parts of Chennai welcomed her with a dull and monotonous drill routine choreographed by ace Tamil mock icon Sam Anderson.

In a joint press conference with Tamil Nadu CM J.Jayalalitha, she said Ms. Jaya’s freebie scheme is worthy of emulation and she believes that people in the United states should receive free “morning after” pills in mail along with bed, bath and beyond coupons. She also vowed to do her part for the plight of the Tamils by reinstating the Madras Bashai page on wikipedia.

To commemorate this historic visit Ms. Jayalalitha renamed the fishing hamlet of Ooroor Kuppam as Bill Clinton Colony.

Ms.Clinton left Chennai early this morning and the US consulate in Chennai mentioned that like all passengers leaving Chennai, her bags were packed with boxes from Grand Sweets.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

July 21, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Posted in Alter Ego

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Record Heat wave in the United States leaves Climate Change activists ecstatic

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“Global Warming is finally here” are the words on the lips of every “reduce, reuse and recycler” across the country as a strong heat wave is sweeping across the United States. This heat wave comes as a cool refreshing breeze to several climate change activists who were getting nervous at the late onset of global warming this year.

Earlier in the year, “Global Warming” theory was losing steam as several of its firmest believers,who had donated all their winter clothing to Salvation Army, were seen scurrying into big box retail stores with last minute Groupons to buy some winter clothing. The situation got so dire that Al Gore had to flee from his multi-acred mansion in Tennessee and drive his hummer across the border and deep into the Southern Hemisphere to experience the inconvenient truth of “Global Warming”.

Commenting on the late arrival of Global Warming this year, President Obama said “Global Warming provides us with an unique opportunity to be a world leader again as we can use this chance to build cleaner energy and employ millions of Americans who are otherwise left to watch Casey Anthony on TV”

Vice President Joe Biden said “Who the fuck cares about Global Warming? We need to raise the debt ceiling else the world economy will get toasted”

The Chinese Prime Minister Hu Jiantao, who is visiting the United States to personally buy those US treasury bonds once the debt ceiling is raised, flashed the victory symbol and exclaimed through a translator that like everything else, Global Warming was also made in China.

Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann, who has been panned by critics for not even being able to spell progressive correctly, commented on the arrival of global warming by saying that she never liked Global Warming as they caused her debilitating migraines. The Speaker of the House, Jim Boehner, was equally scathing in his attack of Global Warming terming it a conspiracy of the Democrats and it was deliberately named so that its acronym GW would establish a link it to the former Republican President.

The United Nations has issued an appeal to all the citizens of the world to do their bit for global warming by liking the Global Warming page on Facebook. Activist groups across the world are asking people to switch of the lights for an hour and assemble as groups in public places and burn effigies of “Global Warming”.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

July 20, 2011 at 3:13 pm