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Archive for August 2011

Jobs Resigns : Reactions are pouring in

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Reactions have been pouring in since Jobs announced his retirement.

Michelle Bachmann: I learnt all alphabets and numbers using the iPad last month. Will my iPad still work?

Sarah Palin: This is false propaganda by Obama. We all know there are no jobs to resign from.

Rick Perry: Time for him to secede and start producing cooler gadgets for God.

Joe Biden: Jobs will fucking return. It is not the fucking end of fucking jobs in fucking America.

Barack Obama: Sasha and Malia love their iPads. On their behalf and on the behalf of the hardworking people of the United States of America, get well soon sir.

Jim Cramer: I live this ploy by Apple. Jobs resigns; Market goes on a frenzy for black turtlenecks. Turtlenecks outsell HP Touchpads. Doom HP, Booooyaaah!!

Bill Gates: Pancreatic Cancer, isn’t there an app for that?

Larry Ellison: Rest In Peace , my friend with the knowledge that I will buy your company and let it prosper.

Sergey Brin and Larry Page: F@#$%^&* , we should have waited before we spent the twelve billion on Motorola Mobility.

Stephen Colbert: Ladies and Gentleman, you know I am not a big fan of Steve Jobs. He wears his black turtleneck and shows up at many Gay Marriages as a bridesmaid. But he has a chance to redeem himself by introducing himself to iGod.

Tim Cook: I have been preparing for this for a long time. I even speak to Aaron Rodgers every day of the week to mentally prepare for this.

Dennis Kucinich: He is a iCon who pushed consumerism and materialism.

Forrest Gump: Lieutenant Dan got me invested in his fruit company. So then I got a call from him, saying we don’t have to worry about money no more. And I said, that’s good! One less thing.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

August 25, 2011 at 11:26 am

Posted in Alter Ego

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Nation readies itself for a “protestival” at Ramlila grounds

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The nation is rallying behind Anna Hazare as if Katrina Kaif and Sachin Tendulkar are his kids. At the same time, the Congress Party is falling as quickly as Hazare is rising. “With the knowledge gained by watching “Hindustani” multiple times, we are not stupid to take an ageing corruption crusader to the prison.  He was either taken to Mainsha Koirala’s house or in Urmila Matondkar’s friend’s hostel.” asserted Mr. Rashid Alvi, spokesman of the Congress absolving the Government of any brutality.

Meanwhile, hectic preparations are underway at Ramlila grounds for this contest between Team Anna and Government of India. Arvind Kejiriwal, captain of Team Anna,  has requested to make it a “slow low turner” so that Anna has to bat only once, Kiran Bedi spins it like Bishan Singh Bedi and the Government ignominiously “follows on” Anna and his demands.   “We don’t expect the contest to last more than 3 days but we asked for 10 so that we have enough time to bowl out any opposition. ”  confided Mr. Kejiriwal. Contrary to earlier reports that there will be no food for the crowds coming to watch Anna fast, Team Anna has said that non-governmental organizations have arranged a full fledged buffet at the venue. “Dasani has bagged the rights to be the official water of the fast and they will be selling bottled water with the Anna logo to mark the historic occasion.” said Mr. Kejiriwal.

“We are working round the clock to bottle water from the Delhi Public Water Supply. As a mark of solidarity, Delhi Water Board has shutdown water in certain neighborhoods of Delhi and given us exclusive usage for this water.  ” said a spokesman from Dasani.

In addition to food and water, BJP/RSS/VHP  are planning to celebrate “Krishna Jayanti” and “Ganesh Pooja” at Ramlila grounds.  “Anna can enthusiastically fast with the breeze wafting from the modak and sweet poha preparations.  It cannot get more energizing and portending. ” said Ms. Sushma Swaraj of the BJP.  Indian Union Muslim League is planning a giant Goat cook-off at the venue to celebrate Ramadan but its President could not be reached for a comment.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

August 18, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Mallika Sherawat to perform outside Tihar to promote Anna’s message of transparency.

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Public support is growing for Anna Hazare following his detention at  Tihar Jail today.  Several celebrities have expressed solidarity with the veteran Gandhian’s crusade against corruption. Sri Sri Ravishankar, the founder of  Art of Living, called on Mr. Hazare at the Tihar Prison late tonight but was turned back by Mr. Hazare as the meeting time intervened with his bedtime.  Not disappointed by the spurning, dangled from gate of jail complex, plunged into crowd, giving a quick preview to his next course Art of Flying.  Close on the heels of Mr. Ravishankar’s visit, Bollywood diva Mallika Sherawat and hunk Emraan Hashmi tweeted that they would descend on the  Tihar red carpet tomorrow and perform in sheer clothes to show their support for transparency. Not to be left out, Salman Khan tweeted that he would perform in private parties for any number of Members of Parliament if they voted for the Jan Lokpal bill.

The Government on the other hand has a massive problem on its hands. Quickly after arresting Anna and 1200 other detainees, Mr. Kapil Sibal proclaimed that most protesters courted arrest only because they liked the free food in the prisons. Mr. Ghulam Nabi Azad, another cabinet Minister who has long believed that television is cure to all problems in India, said the Government plans to counter the growing movement by telecasting free pornography on all Doordarshan television channels for the next 5 days.

The script took a different turn when Congress Supremo Rahul Gandhi intervened and asked that Mr. Hazare be released. Dr. ManMohan Singh obliged with a Shahrukh Khan impersonation saying “Yes, Boss!”.

Meanwhile, Mr. Hazare has refused to leave Tihar even after being released . “I had let people at home know that I will not be coming home for dinner and no food joints are open here at this late hour. Besides that, it is well past my bedtime” said Mr. Hazare reflecting on the sorry state of night life of Chanakyapuri area, near West Delhi.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

August 17, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Posted in Alter Ego

Dow Chemical bags exclusive sponsorship rights for London riots

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Just days after becoming the official chemical of the Olympic games, Dow Chemical Company, the manufacturer of many toxic chemicals, has bagged the exclusive naming rights for the ongoing London riots. The Midland, Michigan based company has also agreed to sponsor all events of rioting and looting across the world.  Terms of the sponsorship weren’t disclosed although independent agencies have estimated the cost to be about  a million human lives.

“We possess deadly track record with chemicals in all across the world especially in Bhopal and Vietnam. Our record in cleansing generations of underprivileged communities is unparalleled and we have yet another opportunity to free the world of miscreants and misfits. Dow is extremely happy to be adding value to our shareholders as London burns bright.” said a Dow spokesman, after Dow won the bid to be a official chemical company for all riots through 2020.

“All the things that go into making a successful riot, we can be a big part of that.  This is a tremendous growth market if you listended to the voice-mails of  Prime Minister Cameron Brown,  that were tapped by News Corporation and Dow is excited to make a large piece of the “riot-pie.” ” the spokesman said. “You can be guaranteed that nothing gets approved by the board of the Dow Chemical Company unless it generates shareholder value. ” added the spokesman.

Last week, Dow’s stocks tanked by 412.1984% after they announced their move to sponsor the Olympic games. ” The Olympics fosters brotherhood, friendship and love and these are not the values of Dow Chemical Company which stands for destruction and lack of accountability.” said Forbes magazine.

The  investment community has responded very positively to this new riot sponsoring initiative by Dow.  An anonymous source at investment firm Pippar Jaffray said “This indeed is a brilliant move by Dow.  It  is the “first of a kind” idea of making profits out of civil unrest and will pay off  handsomely in the long term. We are upgrading Dow to a strong “buy”  rating as we see a great growth potential for riots in the up and coming Middle Eastern, African and South American markets” . Dow stocks were up 1% in early trading.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

August 10, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Posted in Alter Ego

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Lok Pal Bill burns, Media fans, Singh stares.

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The Government of India tabled its controversial “Jan Lok Pal” in the Parliament yesterday, where Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh has perfected the art of sleeping with his eyes wide open.  The Bill was treated disdainfully by civil activist Mr. Anna Hazare, who set the bill on fire with a matchbox hidden inside his Nehuruvian cap. “The Government’s LokPal bill is like its Prime Minister – It doesn’t say or do much.”  clamored Mr. Hazare .

Parliamentarians have long used legislative documentation as hand fans and back-scratching wands so burning such an utility has angered many of them. “How can Hazare protest a bill that has the blessing of Sonia Gandhi and call himself a Gandhian?” questioned first time MP and former India captain Mohammed Azharuddin.  Prime Minister of India, Dr. Manmohan Singh also reacted strongly to Mr. Hazare’s actions by giving a prolonged and awkward stare at the reporter who asked him for a comment.

While Mr. Hazare has become a cult hero in the pyromaniacal yet crucial 5-30 young male demographic, he seems to be losing ground with the small business owners – especially the effigy makers.  “For years, protests have been marked by burning effigies. Hazare’s decision to burn a bill is not only lame but also shows his lack of knowledge about the history of protests. We strongly urge him to make amends and signify his discontentment by burning 100 effigies of  Mr.Kapil Sibal, which we have in our inventory.”

Anna Hazare has called for a nation-wide fast starting August 16th against the Government’s Jan LokPal Bill.  NDTV has successfully won the exclusive broadcast rights of the fast and will have a mobile ultrasound machine to periodically show pictures of Mr. Hazare’s stomach. “Considering this is the greatest standoff between Septuagenarians(Dr.Singh and Hazare),  the battle lines have been clearly drawn. Protests will be held only between 10:am to 4:00 pm with a three hour break for siesta. All Protesters are requested to keep their decibel level to the minimum and make their protest signs in bold and large font. Since the protest is a fast, free food will not be provided at the venue and attendees are expected to make their own arrangements for food.”  said Ms. Barkha Dutt of the NDTV.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

August 4, 2011 at 4:17 pm