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Archive for July 2011

India holds talks with Gilani; will trade Patna and 16 districts in the South for Hina Rabbani Khar

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India has fallen head over heels for Pakistani Foreign Minister Hina Rabanni Khar. Loudspeakers are blaring “My name is Hina, Rabbani ki Jawani” in every corner of the country. “Pak Puts On Its Best Face,” said The Times of India and the Mumbai Mirror exploded with the headline “Pak bomb lands in India,”.

India’s main opposition party Bharatiya Janata Party is going hammer and tongs over this latest development. “The Congress is led by an Italian lady and we have never seen her even carry a Just Cavalli. Now even Pakistanis are carrying Roberto Cavalli. The Congress regime has pushed India backwards by 20 years. We ask to the Prime Minister to resign immediately over this national shame. ” said Nitn Gadkari. Not to be “left” behind in expressing disapproval, Brinda Karat remarked “She hurried to the Hurriyat and this is something that we have been asking India to do for a long time. We ask the Prime Minister to resign immediately for being so tame.” Baba Ramdev who has been fasting in “Garbhasana”, has announced that he would get out of Garbhasana, if India is able to accommodate a young woman with flowing hair into the Cabinet so that he can discuss the “Jan Lok Baal” bill.

In an effort to counter some of the allegations and also quieten Ramadev, Manmohan Singh and senior Congress leaders have dispatched the “Pigeon of Congress” and also Finance Minister of the country, Mr.Pranab Mukherjee to Pakistan to discuss trading for Hina Rabbani Khar. In exchange, India will send the city of Patna and 16 districts in Tamil Nadu to Pakistan. Pranab Mukherjee has also carried a brand new Birkin made of lizard leather to win over Ms. Khar.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

July 27, 2011 at 3:38 pm

India blames poor performance at Lords on Michael Holding’s Commentary; orders his removal

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The stalling Indian Cricket Team has come into a head-on collision with Michael “Rolls Royce” Holding. The Indian Cricket Captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni blamed his team’s timid loss at Lords on the commentary of Michael Holding. Speaking to the media after the defeat “We were matched evenly with England on all aspects of the game (including tea time snacks) and the match came down to the state of the pitch. Mr. Holding’s pitch report was grossly incorrect on all five days.  He had predicted uneven bounce and we were batting for the uneven bounce but it never happened.  He said there will be no turn and hence Bhajji was firing it in flat instead of trying to turn the ball. In addition to this, Mr.Holding was on the air for the 16 of the 20 Indian wickets that fell during the test match. His probing stint of words with the new/old ball provided England with early wickets and critical breakthroughs to well-settled partnerships. We are going to appeal for his removal from this test series. ”

Mr.Sunil Gavaskar, former Indian opening batsman was also demanding Mr.Holding’s removal. ” Holding used to spit venom when he was young and bowling fast. I am sure with age, experience and the comfort of the commentary box have only made him more dangerous. If this series has to be balanced, Holding has to be removed from the Skysports team and replaced with an Indian commentator.  Our boys need someone who can not only speak English, but also speak English mixed with Hindi and Urudu. I think Jimmy Amarnath will be a tremendous addition.   ”

Mr. Ravi Shastri, unrequited lover of Gabriela Sabbatini and evergreen spokesperson for cricketers from Mumbai, was equally critical of Holding. ” Holding has always posed problems with his height and Afro-hairstyle. Tendulkar has had difficulty picking up the ball when Holding is in the commentary box as the ball out of the bowlers hand gets lost in Holding’s hairdo. In the second innings, the test was in a holding pattern with all possible outcomes possible until Holding intervened to manufacture the wicket of Dhoni.”

Mr.N.Srinivasan, Secretary of the BCCI said “Cricket is a Gentleman’s game and commentators with violent nicknames like “Whispering Death” should never be handed the mic. I am surprised that in a series between India and England, a West-Indian is doing the commentary. Such acts of neutrality has no place in the game of cricket. I will call Sharad Pawar and shout into his deaf ear that Holding needs to be removed.”

In the meanwhile, Marylebone Cricket Committee[ MCC] has announced that Mr. Holding will be honored for this rare contribution and his name will appear on the Lords Honors Board. It is to be noted that he is the first commentator to get this prestigious honor and this will enable him to enter the snobbish and privileged Lords Members room and get drinks on the house. He also receives designer underpants autographed by Sir WG Grace.

Reacting to these comments, Holding kept repeating “Yeahhh Maaan, Yeaahh Maan” in his Jamaican accent and we concluded that he was severely inebriated.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

July 26, 2011 at 9:17 am

Hilary Clinton visits Chennai; wears designer MA Jacob

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Hillary Clinton, the current US secretary of State and wife of the former President of America Bill Clinton visited Chennai yesterday. Ms.Clinton was spotted wearing clothes designed by chennai based designer Mr.MA Jacob. Asked about the bright and flamboyant colors of her dresses, MA Jacob said that the dresses celebrated the spirit of India and were made from leftover carpets from Meghalaya to Mannarkudi.

United States Consulate General in Chennai said that as a tribute to Ms.Clinton’s poker faced emotionless approach, school kids from different parts of Chennai welcomed her with a dull and monotonous drill routine choreographed by ace Tamil mock icon Sam Anderson.

In a joint press conference with Tamil Nadu CM J.Jayalalitha, she said Ms. Jaya’s freebie scheme is worthy of emulation and she believes that people in the United states should receive free “morning after” pills in mail along with bed, bath and beyond coupons. She also vowed to do her part for the plight of the Tamils by reinstating the Madras Bashai page on wikipedia.

To commemorate this historic visit Ms. Jayalalitha renamed the fishing hamlet of Ooroor Kuppam as Bill Clinton Colony.

Ms.Clinton left Chennai early this morning and the US consulate in Chennai mentioned that like all passengers leaving Chennai, her bags were packed with boxes from Grand Sweets.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

July 21, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Posted in Alter Ego

Tagged with , ,

Record Heat wave in the United States leaves Climate Change activists ecstatic

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“Global Warming is finally here” are the words on the lips of every “reduce, reuse and recycler” across the country as a strong heat wave is sweeping across the United States. This heat wave comes as a cool refreshing breeze to several climate change activists who were getting nervous at the late onset of global warming this year.

Earlier in the year, “Global Warming” theory was losing steam as several of its firmest believers,who had donated all their winter clothing to Salvation Army, were seen scurrying into big box retail stores with last minute Groupons to buy some winter clothing. The situation got so dire that Al Gore had to flee from his multi-acred mansion in Tennessee and drive his hummer across the border and deep into the Southern Hemisphere to experience the inconvenient truth of “Global Warming”.

Commenting on the late arrival of Global Warming this year, President Obama said “Global Warming provides us with an unique opportunity to be a world leader again as we can use this chance to build cleaner energy and employ millions of Americans who are otherwise left to watch Casey Anthony on TV”

Vice President Joe Biden said “Who the fuck cares about Global Warming? We need to raise the debt ceiling else the world economy will get toasted”

The Chinese Prime Minister Hu Jiantao, who is visiting the United States to personally buy those US treasury bonds once the debt ceiling is raised, flashed the victory symbol and exclaimed through a translator that like everything else, Global Warming was also made in China.

Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann, who has been panned by critics for not even being able to spell progressive correctly, commented on the arrival of global warming by saying that she never liked Global Warming as they caused her debilitating migraines. The Speaker of the House, Jim Boehner, was equally scathing in his attack of Global Warming terming it a conspiracy of the Democrats and it was deliberately named so that its acronym GW would establish a link it to the former Republican President.

The United Nations has issued an appeal to all the citizens of the world to do their bit for global warming by liking the Global Warming page on Facebook. Activist groups across the world are asking people to switch of the lights for an hour and assemble as groups in public places and burn effigies of “Global Warming”.

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

July 20, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Dayanadhi Maran Resigns….

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His uncle writes ….

தயாநிதி நீ செய்தாய் சதி
அதனால் தான் இந்த கதி
வெள்ளபோகிறது நீதி
சிறையில் தெளியட்டும் உன் மதி

Written by Sudarshan Suresh

July 7, 2011 at 3:08 pm