Flyswatting

The NFL Playboy Association & the Owners Association announced a new collective bargaining deal today ending a six month long clusterfuck, which was threatening to restore Sundays and Mondays to American families. The agreement was 6000 pages long and neither side claimed full knowledge of it but seem to have signed it just because ABC was threatening to do Desperate Housewives re-run on Sundays. Speaking on the occasion, NFL commissioner Goger Roodell said ”In order to repay the fans for their unflinching support and commitment to the game, all teams will observe ”5 dollar Chalupa” day on opening day of theseason.On this day, fans will be able to enjoy a Chalupa for $8 and roar in support of their favorite team.” Bisele Gundchen, spokesperson for the NFL Playboy Association said ” Nothing excites me more than seeing athletic and muscular men in compromising positions. Sundays are back Baby!! “

Experts at Touchdown Fetish magazine have identified the following as the most important changes to the game.

• Coaches who die during the Gatorade Bath will be not be eligible for workers compensation.
• Rookies under the age of 21 or with a GPA over 3.6 will be automatically suspended for the season.
• In order to help the NFL reduce its ecological footprint, the environmentally conscious Bay Area teams Raiders and Niners have pledged not to score during the entire season.
• As a part of our ”NFL cares” initiative, tailgating parties will be made strictly vegan.
• It is now mandatory for players to sanitize their hands with Gem-X Aloe Hand Sanitizer  prior to every snap.
• There is a 25% reduction in all fines and penalties if you like NFL on Facebook.
• Non-white players appearing in a game in the State of Arizona are likely be shot in their belly buttons.
• Quarterbacks will be required to wear helmets even when they are having sex and wear condoms even when they are playing.
• Meaningless numbers on player jerseys will be replaced with last four digits of their Social and their Mother’s maiden name.
• Every fantasy team will have at least one Victoria Secret Model.
• Players are allowed only 3 F bombs per minute and anyone who violates the rule will be fucking punished.
• Five touchdowns or two wardrobe malfunctions are guaranteed in every Super Bowl until 2018.
• Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will accept that he is an asshole on national TV.
• Players are allowed to tweet lewd photos only with NFL logo.
• Players with fake birth certificates will be banned for life and trained to run for President of America.
• Anyone carrying reports on Brett Favre will be waterboarded.

Tim Tombrowski, a die-hard Steelers fan  and season ticket holder exclaimed “I am indebted to the league and to the Steelers. To show gratitude, I will clean up the entire 20F section in Heinz Field with my terrible towel after every home game. Go Steelers!!”. Conservative voice Pat Buchanan touched on a very important and often neglected aspect of the game  ”Everyone expects this to be a fun season but lets pause for a moment and pray for the safety, security and virginity of the cheerleaders in the game.”

​God Bless Football and God Bless America.

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